Talking to parents and carers about self-harm

Before taking any action, consult your local policies to understand guidelines for handling disclosure, when and how escalation is needed, and what further services or pathways are available.

Confirm that you’re the most appropriate staff member to lead the conversation and consider who else needs to be involved, for example, the designated safeguarding lead.

Before contacting parents or carers, check if there are any safeguarding concerns at home, for example, abuse, neglect, exploitation, honour-based abuse, coercion, or family conflict. If there are concerns that involving parents will increase risk, seek safeguarding advice first. 

Even in safe circumstances, parental involvement might trigger fear and anxiety. When appropriate, involve the young person in the decision and plan the conversation together. Be clear about the limits of confidentiality; that is, you will not disclose without their consent unless it’s necessary, but there are some situations where you will need to do so. 

Choose a quiet, private environment where you won’t be overheard or disturbed. Choose a quieter time of day if possible and allow plenty of time so that nobody feels rushed.

Consider any disability, culture or language needs and make reasonable adjustments where necessary, for example, a translator or an accessible room.

Focus on what you’ve observed (e.g., low mood or withdrawal) and keep your concerns centred on the child’s wellbeing and safety. Avoid:

• Dramatic or alarmist language.
• Expressions of shock or disgust.
• Implying the behaviour is manipulative or attention-seeking.
• Minimising self-harm.
• Making assumptions about family dynamics.
• Assigning blame.

Learning of a young person’s self-harm can trigger strong emotions in parents and carers. They may also seek to blame others as they try to make sense of the situation. Acknowledge their distress without escalating, keep a calm, non-defensive tone, and bring the focus back to the child’s safety. For example:

“I know this is difficult news to hear. Many parents feel overwhelmed at first. But there’s lots we can do together to help them feel safe and supported.”

The professional's role is not to assign blame, investigate parenting, or mediate disputes. Always remain non-judgemental towards both the young person and their family.

Where appropriate, discuss how to manage risk, for example, reducing access to dangerous items, proportionate supervision, and safety planning. Ensure parents/carers are aware of crisis services and emergency pathways. 

Throughout the meeting, reinforce the following key messages:

• Self-harm is usually a sign of distress, not attention-seeking or manipulation.
• Not all self-harm means that a young person is suicidal but should still be taken seriously. 
• Shame and punishment can encourage more secrecy.
• Calm, consistent support can make a significant difference.
• Self-harm can affect any family and it is not a sign of failure.
• Parents/carers are not expected to manage self-harm alone.

Direct them to self-harm resources, advice and guidance for parents, carers and families, for additional resources on understanding and managing self-harm. 

Clearly document what was discussed, how the parents responded, and any safeguarding considerations that were raised. Consent, agreed actions, referrals and safety planning should also be recorded. 

Ensure that information about the disclosure is shared with any relevant services or professionals.